It has been more than seven days since I decided to reduce self-censorship and say what I mean when I feel it. I moved from releasing myself from the burden of “being afraid of hurting people with my words,” to emotional chaos, to a state of near paralysis. For several days, I did not feel like doing anything. Not meditating. Not reading. Not praying. Not listening to music. Not even scrolling mindlessly. It was not laziness. It was depletion. Then, slowly, my energy began to return. I am writing to summarize this period. *** Early in this period, I resigned from my second job (a casual job. I have a full-time job). That decision had been pending for weeks. I kept postponing it, waiting for a clearer signal, a more comfortable timing, a better emotional state. But clarity rarely arrives when it comes to quitting something. That day at work, during a quiet shift, I felt the familiar internal pressure to appear constantly productive. To keep moving even when there was no need to move. Th...
Lately, I have been disappointed in myself. Not because of failure at work. Not because of visible collapse. From the outside, I appear functional. Productive. Composed. I complete my tasks. I maintain my routines. I perform well professionally. But internally, something has been unstable for a long time. I hesitated before writing this. Part of me questioned whether it should be public. Another part of me understood that silence has not been serving me well. I have been under constant stress for months. I told myself it was manageable. I believed I was coping because I was still “doing everything as usual.” Then I noticed something small. My smartwatch needed to be tightened by one extra hole. That was the first sign. In the past few months, I have lost more than five kilograms. Since around 2016, my weight has never dropped this significantly. I have already been considered underweight, so the additional loss did not alarm me immediately. If I did not wear a watch, I might not hav...